Pregnancy Diaries: Halfway Mark

Today is the official end of month five (20 weeks), so I'm halfway through with this pregnancy. It's hard to believe, but at the same time it's going kind of fast. I'm enjoying this stage even with its symptoms (no feeling sick but still hungry; sometimes I can't sleep and either roll around a lot or get up and read so I don't disturb Kevin). I feel a bit of disbelief that what I've wanted for so long has finally happened, and I find myself checking out my growing stomach when I pass a mirror.

Being pregnant makes me feel young, and sometimes I think I'm too young to be a mother. I'd have to be the adult in the relationship, and as weird as this may sound, I don't think of myself as an adult. I'm just me. I like to laugh and sometimes be silly (but only around certain people). Kevin and I like to flirt and act like teenagers sometimes. We'll just have to make time to be affectionate even with a baby in the house. And I think it's good for kids to see their parents enjoying themselves and enjoying life. I'm just a little nervous about taking responsibility for a new tiny person.

I still haven't felt any movement, and I'm trying not to worry about that. My doctor said she usually  tells patients they'll feel it by week 22, when it should be real movement and not the flutters. I try to be still every so often, hoping to catch something and praying for just one little movement so I know the baby is okay. This is still a trust experience, that the baby will be healthy even though I can't see or feel it. I'm doing my part in eating right and trying to be active, so the rest is up to God.

I do have a prayer request for those of you reading this who are so inclined. The ultrasound I had two weeks ago showed a healthy baby, but it also showed that I have a couple of fibroids that could cause problems. Either one could block the exit, so to speak, and/or another could keep the baby in an upright position should it turn that way. Apparently drinking lots of water can keep the fibroids in check so I've been more conscious about staying hydrated. The second scenario is a little less scary because there are ways to turn a baby before delivery, but the first one sounds like a planned C-section would be necessary. That would definitely not be what I would choose if it were up to me. I have another ultrasound scheduled for early May and I would assume another one a few weeks after that, just to be sure what the situation is, and I'm sure I'll have more questions about options at that point. For now, please pray that the fibroids don't make for complications.

Green Hill and Bell Hill Parks

Friday was very nice outside, although a little cooler than I anticipated because of the the breeze that came up, but as I haven't taken many pictures lately, I thought I'd get outdoors and shoot. I'd been wanting to revisit Green Hill Park, so I headed there. Because it's one of the few green spots in Worcester it can get rather crowded, but not many people were around on Friday. (I posted pictures from my visit last spring. Photos 3-5 are from the park.) The playground and the little zoo make me want to bring the baby once it's old enough to appreciate such things.

There's another park near Green Hill that I've been dying to check out, but it's not easy to get in and out of because it's on a busy street. However, since it was such a nice day out I decided to give it a try. There's a pond with a short trail around it, but there's also a trail up the hill. I wasn't sure if I'd be back anytime soon so I figured I should see what was up there while I was there and was pleasantly surprised to find an open area surrounded by white birch trees. You can barely hear the city traffic up there, and as I was the only person at the time, it was quite peaceful. There are soccer fields at the base of the hill so I wonder if it can get crowded, but having seen all those birches makes me want to go back in the spring or summer when there would be more color. Next time, however, I might be more aware of the weather conditions as it had rained recently and the trail was muddy. I went carefully so as not to fall, but it was poor planning on my part.

Most of the pictures are from Green Hill Park, but the panorama and white birch canopy at the end are from Bell Hill Park.

The male wouldn't open his tail feathers for me. Getting a picture of him doing that is one of the things I'd like to do someday.

I think white birches are my favorite tree because they're so unique. I liked the white against the blue sky.

The picture above this one was to my right, and this was to my left. I thought it was funny that something drew the attention of both groups of geese because it looked like they were facing off to each other.

I love cattails!

This is part of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial, and the next picture is on the side of this little monument.

This one and the next one are also from the Vietnam memorial. If you click the link above and look at my previous post from Green Hill Park, you'll see that part of the memorial is in the water. Besides names they also have a few letters home inscribed on the stones. It's a pretty somber place.

A kind of tree tunnel over the path down Bell Hill.

I definitely have to return to this spot when the weather is warmer and the leaves have come out. I wonder if fall would be nice too.

Pregnancy Diaries: Ultrasound

I had an ultrasound two months ago and got a picture of the little baby growing inside me. At that time it had a head and two tiny stumps for arms and two more for legs. There was plenty of room for it to float around. Today it still has a head and arms and legs, but they are bigger and more defined. The room is getting cramped, and even though I'm expanding to accommodate the growth, the baby is going to continue to feel squeezed until it's born.

For some reason I got very nervous right before I left for the appointment. I haven't felt any movement yet, and I guess I was afraid the technician would find a problem. I'd asked Kevin to go with me today because I wanted him to feel a part of this pregnancy but also because if there was something wrong, I'd have him for support. My OB will get the pictures in a couple of days and I'll see her next week, so there's still a chance for bad news but I'm feeling much better now, having seen the pictures today.

I had been instructed to drink 30 ounces of water an hour before the appointment so my bladder would be full and would push things into a good position for the ultrasound tech to get pictures. I knew there was no way I could hold 30 ounces of water (I could barely manage 14 ounces when I tried it earlier), so I just had lunch and drank normally, then didn't go to the bathroom for an hour before the appointment. The tech did some measurements, then let me use the ladies' room before coming back for fun pictures. She did more measurements, but she also printed some pictures for me to keep. The whole thing took nearly an hour, partly because the baby must have been sleeping with its head down, and the tech had to hunt for a good view. At one point she had me walk around a little, and the baby did start to move.

When she asked if we wanted to know the sex, we said no. I don't know that she could have found out anyway because of the position the baby was in. She seemed to have a hard time finding good opportunities for pictures, not frustrated--she never made me worry--just amused that the baby was hiding from the camera, so to speak.

It's still a little unreal to me that there will be a tiny new person in our apartment in about five months. Life truly is a miracle, and I feel so humble to be the means by which new life has been created and is forming. There's still a long way to go and sometimes I wonder if everything is still okay, but I often remind myself that women even a few decades ago didn't have the ultrasound confirmations. Women centuries ago didn't even have doctors to keep them on track or to play the heartbeats or to help with childbirth. It's definitely a learning experience in trusting God, even in these days of modern medicine and technology.

Super Bowl Reflections

So the Giants beat the Patriots again in the Super Bowl. Looks like Tom Brady isn't the golden boy anymore, hasn't been for a while. Actually, I don't think he played that badly. I've seen him down in the fourth quarter and come back from seemingly impossible odds. But last night his receivers just weren't helping out. Two missed catches with seconds to go in the game? Not what a Super Bowl team should be doing.

We stayed home last night instead of watching with friends from church because I wasn't sure how I'd be affected emotionally. Dad grew up a Giants fan in the days before the Patriots were in New England, though he did become a Pats fan once they were in the area. I never know when the tears will come, and I was afraid they'd strike during the game and didn't want to be in a crowd should that happen.

As it turns out the game was less emotional for me than I thought, but Kevin and I had fun being on our own anyway. He cooked hamburgers on the Foreman grill and later made popcorn. The Doritos commercial was cute, with the dog bribing the cat owner into turning a blind eye to the cat's fate. (Although as a cat owner, I wasn't quite as amused as I might have been.) I usually like the Coke polar bears, but they didn't excite me that much this year. I kind of liked the eTrade "speed dating" baby, and the Audi one with the vampires disappearing in the headlights was cute. However, I don't remember being wowed by any of them. Also, I was less than thrilled by the halftime performance, but then I was never a Madonna fan.

The thing about grief, I'm realizing, is that it fades, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it to go away just yet. I am glad I'm generally not a sobbing mess about my dad, though I've certainly had those moments, but being able to think about him without crying means I'm healing and moving on. Moving on means facing a life without my dad, and I don't want that. I want to be able to hear his voice again or see him when we visit Virginia. I want him to meet his grandchild and teach him or her about the game of baseball and tell stories of when he was growing up. I at least want him to know we plan to honor him by using his name in some fashion when we name the baby.

The emotional side of me wants to continue the grieving because that way I can keep the memories fresh. I feel like I have to remember everything all the time because I don't want to forget any detail of life with my dad. But the rational side, the one that has to live day to day and interact with people knows I can't keep grieving. Not as deeply, anyway. I know I won't see him again, and I have to understand that it's okay not to be able to recall everything. I need to be able to talk about him and be reminded of him and still miss him without feeling like there's a whole in my heart. Right now I'm somewhere in the middle of the process. At times I'm definitely more emotional, but I'm also becoming more rational. The loss of his presence still hurts and I'm sure it's healthy to give in to tears sometimes, but I'm beginning to be able to talk about him without falling apart. My sister told me she doesn't want him to be forgotten, but stopping the grieving doesn't mean forgetting. It just means moving on. I can assure my sister, Dad will never be forgotten.

Pregnancy Diaries

Yesterday was the first day of month five. In some ways it's hard to believe I'm so far along, but I do have a definite baby bump and there was a nice heartbeat at my appointment this week, so it's becoming more real. I'm still looking forward to feeling some movement, which should happen in a couple of weeks or so.

I'm feeling much better now that I'm in the second trimester. My sense of smell has been reduced (thank goodness), and the dish soap doesn't bother me like it did. I ate my first salad a couple of weekends ago, so raw veggies are back in my diet. I'm eating way less protein (also thank goodness) and am thinking about adding whole wheat bread. I'm still not quite sure about that, but as I don't get nearly as queasy as I had been, maybe it would be okay. The cereal I have every morning has the entire daily amount of whole grains so I'm not worried about getting enough. It's just that when I eat bread I want to make sure it's healthy.

I have exactly one official maternity top, but it doesn't look maternity. I found some long, stretchy shirts at Target and will be wearing those more often, at least to work. What I wear at home doesn't matter as much. I'm weeding out my closet as most of my shirts and sweaters are now too short. Thankfully winter hasn't been nearly as cold or snowy as usual, and so I haven't needed my sweaters. I'm still sticking with waistband extenders and belly bands to cover my unzipped jeans, though I do tend to wear fleece lounge pants at home. I'm hoping not to have to buy maternity jeans or shorts, but time will tell. I also hope I can find loose dresses for summer. Unfortunately there's not a good maternity store nearby, so it'll depend on whatever I can find in regular clothes.

Right now I'm feeling pretty good. I keep telling myself to get more exercise, but time always seems to get away from me. Maybe once we change our clocks and it's still light after dinner, then Kevin and I can walk together again.

Bye, Dad

George N. Pierson 

October 22, 1947 – January 15, 2012 

George N. Pierson, age 64, went to be with his Savior on January 15, 2012 after a short battle with cancer. He was born in 1947 in East Liverpool, Ohio to Charles (deceased) and Claudie Pierson, of Kentucky, and he had a sister Karen Sewall of New Hampshire. They moved to New Hampshire when he was young, where he married Sara Barker in 1971. They had two daughters, Marcie Brandriff of Massachusetts, and Julie Pierson of Leesburg. He also had a son-in-law, Kevin Brandriff of Massachusetts, and a grandchild on the way. After spending years in New Hampshire, Texas, and Ohio, the family moved to Virginia in 1987.

After his discharge from the Navy he attended the University of New Hampshire, where he earned a Bachelor’s degree in history. He began his working career in human resources but also worked in retail and most recently was a call taker for the Loudoun County Sheriff’s Office.

He was an avid worker of crossword puzzles and a big reader, loving everything from history to mysteries to classics. He also enjoyed gardening, especially raising roses, and wanted to join the Master Gardeners when he retired. He attended Cornerstone Chapel, where he loved teaching the adult Sunday Blble class. He was a lifelong Red Sox fan and also followed the New England Patriots, the Washington Nationals, and the Washington Capitals.

Services will be held Thursday January 19, 2012 at 2pm at Cornerstone Chapel in Leesburg. In lieu of flowers, donations may be sent in his name to Good Shepherd Alliance, 20684 Ashburn Road, Ashburn, VA 20147 (or donate online at http://www.loudounhomeless.org/FinancialContributions), or to the USO, Department WS, PO Box 96860, Washington, DC 20090-6860 (or donate online at http://www.uso.org/donate/).
obituary by Marcie, Julie, and Sara as posted on www.colonialfuneralhome.com

Mom called over the weekend with the news that Dad's cancer, diagnosed only weeks before as colon cancer but with a large tumor on his liver, was now considered advanced. He had been scheduled to start chemo, but the doctors discovered that the tumor was growing much faster than they thought and said chemo wouldn't do any good. Kevin and I had family over for dinner Saturday, and Sunday morning Mom called again saying the nurses were telling her to come to the hospital early to see him. I had a doctor's appointment Monday and was toying with the idea of going to Virginia right afterwards, but as Sunday morning went on Kevin and I decided we couldn't wait.

We drove down and arrived around 11:30 Sunday night. Dad had already passed on, but my mom and sister and his sister were there. His cousin, aunt, and mother arrived shortly before we did. I think that as soon as he got the latest news, he decided not to fight. He chose to go out with as much dignity as one can have in the hospital, surrounded by family. He didn't get to see me in person, but Mom did bring him a picture of my baby bump. He refused to believe I'd have a boy; he would only talk about a granddaughter. I will not be surprised if I have a girl on July 15, six months to the day after her grandfather died.

The memorial service was Thursday afternoon at Cornerstone Chapel. Both Pastor Gary and Pastor Vic officiated, which was the best solution as Dad would have been happy with either. To have both was an added bonus. It seemed like the entire Rust Library staff showed up along with several of Dad's coworkers, past and present. Of course many church members came, and so did Dad's longtime friend Bill, whom we haven't seen in years. All but one of Mom's siblings attended, and one is still staying with her, keeping her company as she learns to live with this new hole in her life.

We set up a memorabilia table in the fellowship hall, which people were welcome to browse during the reception we had after the service. The church placed flowers on the table in the sanctuary next to the ones Mom and I picked out. These are pictures I took of all that:

Flowers sent by Dad's aunt and cousins on his father's side. A Chinese (?) tea cup, a Texas coffee mug, and tissues put out by the funeral home staff.

Envelopes for donating to the charities my mom, sister, and I chose. The memorial cards for the service, and a photo of Dad.

Dad's photo, a mug from Border's where he used to work, an American flag, a yerba mate mug from our former Argentine exchange student Cecilia, his UNH mug and teabags, and the registry book.

His marked-up Bible, an elephant he bought while in the Navy (from India, I think), his Patriots cap, his Ohio State cap, and his beloved Red Sox hat.

The only award he kept from his time in the Navy, the tie I got him in Scotland, another picture (from senior year of high school, I think), a stack of his favorite books, and his Washington Nationals hat.

A photo collage Mom put together years ago, showing Dad and his family from many aspects of his life. There are also two belt buckles that I remember him wearing, a Noah's ark tie his Sunday School class loved, and a stuffed buffalo, his favorite animal.

This is what the sanctuary looked like, and the following are the flowers and plants on the table. The red ones are ones Mom and I chose because the basket included roses, which were his favorite. The box is his urn (he was cremated, and Mom figured he'd want to be in the plainest box they had), and the last bouquet is actually sitting on Mom's piano bench at home. It arrived at the church after I had taken pictures but before the service, so I photographed it later.

Mom and I chose these because of the red roses. Dad loved roses.

I don't regret anything from my relationship with my dad. I have cried and will continue to cry, but I feel like I'm mourning the future. There are so many things that will never happen now, and those things are what I miss. My child won't get to meet his or her grandfather; he and my mom won't get to retire and spend the next twenty years enjoying each other's company after forty years of supporting a family and raising kids; he won't see the Nationals win their first World Series; there will be no more letters arriving on Mondays from him, filled with weather reports, sports news, and clippings from the paper he thought I might be interested in; I won't get to hear his voice, attend another baseball game with him, discuss sports and politics and world news, compare gas prices, or work a crossword puzzle together.

This experience has reinforced for me the reason why I so much wanted kids. I had a great childhood and come from the best family ever. I have a heritage of loving the Lord and strong family bonds, and I couldn't wait to pass that down to the next generation. Unfortunately Dad won't be able to pass anything on himself, but the rest of us can. Not only will I teach my child about my dad but I'll also impart lessons learned from my grandparents, most of whom aren't around to speak for themselves either. Kevin's family is wonderful too, and together we'll create our own memories and and keep the legacy going.

Some random memories:

• him giving me a wintergreen lifesaver before the sermon on Sundays
• attending an Orioles-Angels game with our exchange student and Dad explaining the finer points of baseball to a girl who was not sports-minded (she seemed to enjoy herself, but we didn't stay the whole game)
• the t-shirts he'd bring back after business trips and the real turquoise necklace he gave me for my birthday that he got in New Mexico, which I still have
• seeing him reading his Bible every morning, even on vacation
• putting up with an extremely disappointed ten-year-old who wouldn't get to see her favorite singer in concert because we had to move--and then taking her to see that same singer for her birthday the next year
• painting the shutters together and turning over the boards on the porch railing (and him letting my tool-challenged husband use a hammer)
• him coaching my soccer team in second grade and putting up with my bassoon practicing in high school
• teaching me to drive, to make scrambled eggs, and to polish my shoes (he would line his shoes up in front of the couch every Saturday and polish them while watching sports, whether they needed it or not)
• his efforts to make the perfect pie crust from my great aunt's recipe and his brownies with the peppermint patties in the middle
• helping me move in and out of college dorms and my many apartments
• reading Judy Blume out loud when I was around nine
• insisting on wearing a suit to my casual, outdoor wedding and including my favorite color (purple) and the tie I got him in Scotland
• when I was in seventh grade, we'd play Jeopardy on the computer so many times we had the questions memorized 
• hearing stories of his time in the Navy and about the time the Beach Boys played Hampton Beach and trashed their room in the hotel/restaurant where he was working

I never heard him say "I love you," but I knew he did. Perhaps I should have told him I loved him, but in our family deeds speak louder than words. I could add so much more to the list of memories, but each one would have "I love you" written between the letters.

Goodbye, Daddy. I miss you, but I'll see you again one day in heaven.

Pregnancy Diaries: How I Knew I Was Pregnant

For those who want the whole story from beginning to now. The rest of you can scroll to the bottom for a baby bump picture.

We'd been trying for several months and had even started going to a fertility clinic because I suspected I had a hormone problem. Turns out I did have one slightly elevated level, but it wasn't the one I thought. I got medication, and the doctor also suggested trying an ovulation kit.

About a week after using the kit, I started getting cramps at night. I had a feeling it was from implantation, but they lasted for two weeks. I had a few cramps during the day also, but I almost dreaded going to sleep because I knew they'd come and wake me up. (Thankfully they stopped.)

On Monday October 31 I was supposed to have an MRI, for which I'd requested Valium (because the thought of being stuck in a tube for an hour freaks me out). I found out over the weekend that there was a mix-up with my insurance company, so I had no way of knowing whether the MRI would get covered. I had pretty much decided to cancel the procedure until I could straighten out the mess, but I also thought I'd better take a pregnancy test since babies and Valium don't mix. It seemed a little early to get a positive result, but I wanted to know. Sure enough, Monday morning the stick registered two pink lines! (That night, Kevin said he suspected something days before when I scarfed down about half of a pizza he had made. He thought maybe I was already eating for two.)

I took a picture of the stick with my phone and texted it to Kevin. I also called to definitely cancel the MRI and explained both reasons why. The fertility doctor wanted me to take a blood test to confirm the test, so I did that the next day.

The first prenatal visit was actually a group visit with a nurse. I was about six weeks along, and there were a handful of us, including a few spouses, who got an overview of pregnancy and what the maternity ward was like. That very day I started feeling sick, and that constant feeling of nausea lasted about four more weeks. I also was very hungry and needed to up my intake of meat about threefold. At my first visit with the OB during my ninth week, she said not to worry too much about the hunger, that my body probably needed something in the animal products. I shouldn't be concerned just yet about gaining too much weight so soon as my appetite would probably slow down.

I had some spotting in week seven, which kind of scared me. It wasn't a lot and there was no pain, but I prayed often that it wasn't a bad sign. According to one of my pregnancy books, it was probably the placenta implanting itself.

Just about my twelfth week I started to feel less sick and less hungry. I still get nauseous if I go too long without eating, but I can handle the hunger better. No more midnight sausages and pretzels. My stomach sometimes does a weird heaving motion, which might make me gag, but I don't feel like vomiting anymore. I'm trying to eat more whole grains and less meat, though I still can't quite stand raw veggies. Cooked I can do, but raw ones sit like a rock in my stomach.

I haven't had any cravings so far, aside from the need for meat. I'm having trouble eating whole wheat bread, but we found a whole grain white bread that I can eat. I eat whole grain cereal and crackers so I am getting my grains, just not as much from bread. I eat a lot of pasta sauce with  meat over rice as it's easy to heat up. I can't do sandwiches, but I take cheese and eggs and bananas to work. I always have a container of crackers and walnuts with me. For someone who never ate much at any one time, it's exhausting thinking about food all the time. Thankfully I'm doing better about that. I get hungry more often than usual, but it's not as intense at it was a few weeks ago. I keep fresh fruit on hand, though I have indulged in ice cream. Christmas meant lots of sugary and chocolatety snacks from my coworkers, but I restricted myself to one piece a day. I figure I'm eating pretty healthily already, plus the baby is going to have to learn to like chocolate.

I gave up drinking tea for several months, though the OB team allows 12 ounces of coffee a day. And since tea has less caffeine than coffee, I'm sure my one cup at lunch would be fine, but I didn't want to do any harm during the first trimester. (Though I did sip some of Kevin's sodas a few times when we ate out. Just enough to taste, nothing serious.) In the last week or so I've had a couple of cups of tea, but I don't think I want to go back to drinking it regularly just yet. For a while I couldn't stand drinking water, but now I'm doing better with it and try to drink it several times a day. I'm sure I'll never get the two liters a day my OB recommended, but I'll do what I can.

Here's me this morning:

I've been carrying a layer of fat around my midsection since college (darn aging and slowing metabolism), so this isn't all baby as the baby is only a few inches long at this point. But I'm beginning to embrace my new look since it can't be disguised by all my clothes anymore.